A Priest Strives to Become Chaplain Inside Prison

The Reverend Charles Thessing, pastor of Sacred Hearts Catholic Church in Morrilton, was taken to the Lincoln County Jail on March 23^rd after being caught attempting to smuggle illegal substances into the Varner Supermax Unit. (His apprehension may be indication of why it’s called a ‘Supermax’ Unit.)

Seems that the Reverend was caught during a ‘pat-down’ concealing a 1 gallon sized plastic bag half filled with tobacco hidden under his garments. In case you didn’t know, tobacco has been banned from Arkansas state prisons since 2000. No doubt an attempt to ensure the good health of our incarcerated brethren, particularly those on Death Row.

The good Reverend was later charged with a single count of introducing prohibited articles into a correctional facility. (Good thing for him the charges weren’t based on ‘leaf count’.)

Kyle Hunter, the Prosecuting Attorney for the county said that the charge is routinely filed against people caught attempting to take prohibited items into a prison.

Arkansas Department of Corrections spokesman Dina Tyler said that the Corrections Department referred 4 cases to the state police last year after visitors were caught. It was further explained that not all visitors caught with contraband are referred for charges. “The department considers all the circumstances in deciding whether a visitor appears to have made a mistake or is trying to smuggle an item inside”.

An example provided was that of one Betsy Wright, a death penalty opponent and former Bill Clinton aide. (That probably shocks us all). She was arrested after guards found 49 tattoo needles, a box cutter, a knife and tweezers among her possessions while she was attempting to visit a death row inmate in 2009.  Surprisingly she denied attempting to smuggle the items into the prison. (Apparently every woman, at least those who worked for Bill Clinton, in a normal day’s work carry 49 tattoo needles, a box cutter and a knife in the purse, probably to ward off advances from notorious individuals whom I will not name.) Anyway Ms. Wright used the creative defense that the tattoo needles were in a bag of Doritos she had purchased from a vending machine in the entrance building. (A common experience that we have all read about or seen.). Initially she faced 51 felony counts. (One for each needle; the Reverend was let off light.) The prosecutors dropped the charges related to the tattoo needles and tweezers; she pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors in connection with the box cutter and knife and was fined $2,000.00 and spent a year on unsupervised probation, (the best kind, I’m told.) Seems to me she could have explained the need of the knife and box cutter to open the Doritos sack as it was very resistant to her attempts to get inside. Almost as if it were reinforced by something metal. Why 49 needles? Four dozen is 48 and 5 dozen is 60; what did she do with the missing 11 needles? Open up a business? Since her probation is now up, one wonders if Ms. Wright has resumed providing comfort and succor to the inmates, or did she employ the Reverend to fulfill her prior avocation.

So you see, the Reverend’s case was thoroughly researched before formal charges were filed on May 4^th. Apparently his assumed defense of being a heavy, chain smoker on a budget was overwhelmed by the fact that the bag was taped to his body underneath his underwear. This also was used to refute his assumed defense of just having forgotten about the ½ gallon of tobacco taped to his torso, where all good Catholic priests stash their stuff. The diocese has employed the best attorney that money can buy; of the J. Noble Dagget of “True Grit” caliber. He has demanded to know the instant that the warrant for arrest was served. He has not asked for my assistance but I suggest that he pursue the line of defense that the priest was merely hiding his own personal use from the Bishop and that in no way did he plan to strip in front of a bunch of ‘horny’ inmates to retrieve the bag of stash. This logic just might carry the day, don't you think?

The Catholic Diocese stated that the “Reverend Thessing is admired and greatly appreciated,” (especially among the incarcerated brethren is my bet), “and his status as a priest in good standing with the diocese remains unchanged.” (One can only assume that this must be some kind of frequently occurring incident as their priests attempt to provide comfort, relief and succor to their incarcerated flock, otherwise surely the diocese would have expressed some concern about his action. Oh well, it’s probably a welcome relief to the diocese from all the child abuse stories that hit the papers).

The Department of Corrections did note the Reverend has been temporarily barred from visiting state prisons. Perhaps he can be assigned pastoral duties from the inside, should things not work out well at his upcoming hearing.